Harry Potter and The Sorceror's Kidney Stone
by Pandamic
Summary: The book that started it all. Meet Harry and his other wizard friends and their first mis-hap adventure to Hogsworth.


Warning: This story is rated Mature

Warning: This story is rated Mature. Do not continue reading if you are easily offended by curse words, substitute curse words, sexual themes, innuendoes, excessive violence, drugs, drug use and descriptive violence.

Second Warning: Do not continue reading if you are a hardcore Harry Potter fan and believe that he is real (not Daniel Radcliff but the character he portrays; Harry Potter). Do not continue if you don't like people poking fun at Harry Potter or any other character, or the world of Magic.

Third Warning: Do not continue reading if you are the type of person who believes that the poster on your wall of Harry Potter speaks to you at night and tells you to burn things.

Fourth Warning: Do not continue reading if you don't have an imagination or a sense of humor. Do not continue reading if you have a life.

Fifth and final warning: Do not continue if you are the type of person who believes that a person should follow the book, exactly how it is, because I certainly don't.

Rating: Mature; 18 years old and up.

Reasons: Excessive violence, low level curse words, drugs and some sexual themes.

Prologue: The beginning thingy

It's night in London. A little neighborhood outside of London is peacefully quiet. The only lights are the street lights. Everyone is asleep in their house. At one particular house, two freaks are standing outside of it.

"Do you think the child will be ok with them?" the female asks the male.

"Eh, who knows. Just as long as we don't have to take care of him." The male places a baby on the door mat.

"Shouldn't we at least give him a blanket or a bed or something?" the female looks pitifully at the baby.

"Fine fine…always with your nagging." The male reaches into his robes and takes out a stick. He points it at the baby, whispers some words, and magically, a bed cradles the baby. "There, happy now?"

"No." The female walks up to the door bell, presses it repeatedly. "Now I am. RUuuunnnn!!" They both run off.

The door of the house opens up and a short fat man opens the door.

"Sweet! Food!" He takes a closer look. "Ah crap, it's a baby…Well…I could still eat it." He takes the basket into the house.

HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S KIDNEY STONE

Chapter 1: Meet Harry Potter

A young boy is awaken to the heavy noises coming from above him.

"Yay! We get to go to the zoo!" a voice from upstairs is heard.

"Blah blah blah, get your arse out of bed and hurry up for breakfest!" A deeper, angrier voice is heard outside of the young boy's room. "You hurry up your Harry arse up!" The man pounds against the boys room.

Foot steps can be heard rushing down the stairs. As Harry walked out of his room his cousin, Dudley, shoves him back into his room and locks him in. Harry begins pounding at the door crying.

"Help me! Dudley locked me in here!" Harry tries to open the door.

"The door won't open if it's locked, dumb arse! Whahahahaha!" Uncle Vernon laughs.

"Look at that little turd, trapped inside his room." Aunt Petunia snickers.

"yay! Pancakes!" Dudley takes the whole stack of 34 and begins devouring them, one by one.

At the zoo, Dudley was running around like a little mentally ill child who would only spend a split second at each exhibit. Harry, for some reason, spent his whole time, looking at the snakes.

"Don't worry Mr. Snake, I know what it's like to be trapped in a glass cell, with people always looking at you, expecting you to do stuff." Harry then taps the glass. "Come Mr. Snake, do a back flip!" Dudley runs up next to Harry.

"They say boys who like to look at snakes have a hidden homosexuality hidden in them!" Dudley laughs then slaps Harry in the side of the head. Dudley then presses his face against the glass. "Come on stupid snake, show Harry some homosexual things!"

Harry stared hard at Dudley. So much hate was building in Harry that as he stared at Dudley, he could feel a burning sensation behind his eyes. Next thing he knew it, lasers shot out of his eyes and missed Dudley's head and ended up breaking the glass. The glass pieces cut right into Dudley's arms and back. Dudley began to panic and fell into the snake pit. The snake slowly slithered up to Dudley, bit Dudley's big toe and climbed out of the cell. The snake looked at Harry.

"Thanks for the help, boy." The snake said.

"Uh…you're welcome?" Harry couldn't believe he was talking to a snake.

"Little does that little fool know that I am Voldemort! The greatest evil wizard in the two worlds!" The snake said as he slithered off.

"What did you say?" Harry asked.

"Uh…" the snake looked around. Seeing that no one has not yet noticed the broken glass, or the thirty foot long python was escaping, he lashed out at Harry and bit him. Harry passed out from the snakes venom.

Harry awakens from the kicking he received from his Uncle Vernon.

"Boy, what the bloody hell did you do here?!" Uncle Vernon's face was blood red. He quickly kicked Harry in the face.

Harry sits up, covering his face. "I…I didn't do anything!" He looks over to see Dudley in his Aunt Petunia's arms.

"My poor baby boy! What did that horrible Harry Potter do to you?!" Petunia is cradling Dudley.

Dudley opens up one eye. "harry…he shot…beams of lasers…out of his eyes…"

Vernon walks up to Dudley. "Laser beams? Have you gone mad boy? There is only one way to get that out of you and that's to beat it out of you!" Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia begin to beat Dudley.

Chapter 2: Tall freak of a man

Later that night the Dursely's are enjoying a midnight snack…all of them except Harry who was busy vacuuming and other cleaning chores. As Uncle Vernon was about to bite down on the snout of a boar, the door bell rang.

"Bloody hell! Who in their right mind would interrupt us at this late of an hour?" Uncle Vernon dropped the boar, and the boar ran to the kitchen. "Boy, go answer the door!"

Harry drops his feather duster and goes to the door. After opening the door, Harry froze at the sight he saw. In front of him, stood an 10 foot tall man. Long curly brown hair and a long scruffy looking beard.

"How you doing?" The tall man asked.

"I'm…fine?" Harry had a hard time looking for the words.

"That's good. Well pack up your stuff, it's time to go."

Harry quickly turned to his Uncle. "Aren't you guys going to try and stop him? I mean come on, he looks like a child molester.

"Ha! Like you think we could stop him if we wanted to." Aunt Petunia said as she shoved another pizza pie down Dudley's throat.

The giant man walks in. "I think you should change your clothes there, 'Ary." The giant man looked at Harry who was wearing a pink apron, a handkerchief on his head and wore yellow rubber gloves on his hand.

Harry looks down at himself. "Oh yeah, right right." Harry runs to his room.

After Harry went upstairs, the giant man turned to Petunia. "How dare you force this boy to be your slave! That's your job woman!" The giant growled at Petunia.

"First off, you haven't even told us your name you tall freak and second, he decided to do it himself! We didn't force him!"

The giant looks embarrassed. "Oh…sorry…and by the way, my name is Hagrid."

Harry runs down stairs with a trunk full of junk.

"I have my stuff Mr. Molester."

Hagrid lets out a loud bellowing laugh and places his hand on Harry's shoulder. "Ha ha ha. I'm sorry that I haven't told you my name. My name is Hagrid."

Harry smiles up at Hagrid.

Hagrid smiles down at Harry.

"Yep, that's my name. Hagrid Child Toucher."

Harry's smile is wiped off his face.

"Well, let's go 'Ary."

Harry turns back to the Durselys who are now armed with forks and knives, hunting the boar. "Bye everyone."

"Yeah yeah yeah yeah…" Uncle Vernon lifts up the couch and the boar runs out from under it and hides in the kitchen. The family runs into the kitchen. Harry and Hagrid step outside.

Chapter 3: Diagon Alley

"So…where are you taking me?" Harry asks Hagrid.

"Oh, how bad of me. I'll be taking you to Diagon alley."

"Diagon alley?"

"Yeah, that's where you'll be get'in your school supplies."

"Skool? What is 'skool?"

"Hogwarts! The school for witchcraft and wizardry. One of the finest magic schools."

"Magic school? Wizardry?!" Harry becomes frustrated and begins tearing out his hair. "What the hell does this all mean?!"

Hagrid grabs Harry and begins shaking him. Then he looks Harry straight into the eyes. "You're a wizard, 'Ary."

Harry's eyes grew big. "I'm…a wizard? That explains why I've always felt so strange and different from everyone."

"No, that's because you are strange and are different from everyone because you're a loser."

"Oh…"

"Come 'Ary." Hagrid leads Harry to an alley and at the end of the alley is a big brick wall.

"Now look at what you've done you big dumb oaf! We're lost!" Hagrid slowly turns to Harry and gives him a gaze. "EEp! Please don't touch me in provocative areas!" Harry begins lifting up his shirt.

"Damn it boy! I don't want none of dart! Just watch!" Hagrid takes out two drum sticks and begins striking the brick wall.

"Oh I get it now. You hit certain bricks in a certain order and it opens up to this Diagon alley!"

Hagrid slaps Harry on the back of the head. "No you dolt." Hagrid turns back to the wall, lifts up his big ol' nasty foot, and kicks the wall down. As Harry peeks through, he sees the alley continues into a some what, more interesting alley. Florescent neon lights lit up the alley, the smell of booze and urine is floating in the air, and peddlers are standing out. As Hagrid and Harry walk through, many of the peddlers try to sell them things.

"Hey there tall guy, want some high quality smut?" The snagged toothed peddler smiles at Hagrid as she holds up a "Gentleman's Magazine."

"Maybe later Jeffery. Can't you see I'm here with a guest?" Hagrid nods towards Harry.

"Oh, my bad Hagrid." she turns to Harry. "Would you like some high quality smut?"

"That's better." Hagrid says. "Come on 'Ary."

Hagrid and Harry begin to walk off until they were stopped again.

"Hey Hagrid." A plump woman waves to Hagrid. "Want to have a good time? I know how much of a _giant _of a man you are."

Hagrid tugs Harry. "Come on Harry, hurry up."

"Is that your girlfriend Hagrid?"

"No, it's me mum."

Eventually, Hagrid and Harry make it to a shop.

"Ok 'Ary, you go in here and I'll go over there to get your books and clothes and stuff."

Hagrid begins to walk off. "What am I going to be doing in here, Hagrid?"

"You'll find out!" Harry sees Hagrid walk off into a store called, "Ms. Prost Uh Toots.'

Harry walks into the strange shop. The shop was filled with rows and rows of little drawers. Harry was about to open one up when a man out of know where catches Harry's hand and instantly breaks Harry's index and pinky finger.

"AAHHHHH!! Why did you do that?!"

The man looks at Harry. "Sorry, I thought you were a child."

"You idiot! I am a child!"

The man's eyes grow huge and he grabs Harry's injured hand and breaks the rest of his fingers.

"AAHAHHHH! Why would you do that to me?!"

"I thought you said you were a child!"

Harry, being stupid, tries to test out this theory. "I am a child you dick!"

The man's eye brows wiggle and he grabs Harry's other hand and breaks the thumb.

"AAAHHHH! Damn it!"

"You're a child!"

"No I'm not!" Finally realizing the right answer.

"Oh, sorry there chap." The man reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a stick, points it at Harry's hands, does a little movement, and Harry's hand's magically heal.

Harry looks at the man in amazement.. "How did you do that?"

"With my magical wand of course. And that would also explain why you are here. In my wand shop."

"Wot?" Harry asks.

"You're here for a wand aren't you?"

"Wot wot?" Harry asks again.

"Here, take this wand and point it at that lady over there.

"Wot wot wot?" Harry takes the wand and points it at the lady over there. In an instant, the lady bursts into flames and dies a horrible death.

"No, that's not the wand for you." The man takes the wand out of Harry's hands and finds another one. He then hands it to Harry.

"Now, if this is the right wand, you should be able to turn anything into a very attractive woman. Thankfully though, the one you burned was an ugly one. Now, try that rock."

Harry points the wand at the rock and the rock instantly turns into a diamond.

"Damn it boy, why do you have to be so difficult. A fine woman! Read my lips! A very attractive woman! Not bloody diamonds!" He takes the wand. "Unless your meant for a certain wand…" He runs to the back where an evil looking safe sat. He unlocks the door and takes out a box. He blows the dust off and opens it and pulls out the wand. He then places the wand in Harry's hand. "Now try."

Harry points the wand at a really ugly dwarf man. In an instant, the dwarf transformed into a very attractive woman.

"Amazing! Not only did you turn that dwarf man into a woman, but a very very attractive woman!"

The dwarf looks at the shop owner. A deep voice comes out of it's voice. "But I was already a woman."

The shop keeper stares at the dwarf. "RRriiiiggghhhttt…any ways. Harry, there are only two people in this world that have that wand. You, and the one who gave you that scar."

Harry looks at the man in bewilderment. "But I got this scar from the time I fell back onto a nail and the nail jabbed me in the hiney and I had to…" The man covered Harry's mouth.

"No boy! This scar!" He points at the stupid thunderbolt shaped scar on Harry's forehead.

"Oooooo, that scar. I have another one right here…" he begins to unzip his pants.

"Um…Run Harry!"

Harry quickly runs out of the building with his wand in his hand and the wand he just bought from the man in his other hand. Harry is in the middle of the street when he spots Hagrid approaching him with two women on both sides of him. Hagrid had on arm over each woman's waist.

"Hagrid, what's next?"

Hagrid licks one of the women's necks. "Oh, right, um…go to this address with all of your junk." Hagrid hands Harry a note with an address on it.

"Ok…it's at the train station…but where is all of my stuff?"

Hagrid who was to busy peeking down one of the woman's tops, points behind him with his thumb. Harry looks around to see this cart with hundreds of things on it.

Chapter 4: 8 ¾ or was it 9 ½ or was it…ah screw fractions

Harry was standing between train stop 9 and 8.

"Where the bloody hell is 8 ¾? There is no 8 ¾ !" Harry begins to cry and tear at his hair, that is until he noticed a family whose kid's had the same looking cart like Harry. He watched them go to a pillar and walk right into it and amazingly, Harry was the only one who saw this. Harry, not even thinking, began pushing his cart straight into a pillar. His cart collided with the pillar and all his stuff fell to the ground. The children's mother noticed this little loser and decided to help him out.

"Need help little loser?" the red headed woman asked.

"Please?" Harry asked.

"Sure, no problem. All you have to do is first, go to the right pillar, and then just walk into it." She pointed to a pillar.

Harry ran head first at the pillar. At full force, Harry could feel his head crumple under the cement pillar. Harry could swear that he even heard his brain crack.

The red headed woman began to laugh extremely hard and extremely loud.

"Ha hahahah! Sorry, I couldn't help it. The real one is over there."

Harry groggily stood up and walked to the pillar. This time, he was able to walk through. As he walked through, he noticed he was at a totally new train station. And before him was a huge red train.

"Everyone on board! Train bound ward to Hogwarts! Everyone on board!" The conductor yelled out.

Harry quickly boarded the train. Inside, Harry found a compartment with an empty seat. In the room sat a nasty looking red headed boy and what appeared to be a girl with a tumbleweed on her head.

The red headed boy used his moth eaten sleeve to wipe off his runny snotty nose. He then offered his hand out to Harry. "Me name is Ron Wesley! Me mum was the one that helped you out."

Harry looked at his snot dripping hand. So Harry took off his shoe and his socks, and wore the sock like a glove and shook Ron's hand.

Harry then looked over at the girl. She was busy reading a book. Harry sat across from her and just stared at her. The girl could feel Harry's beedy little eyes burning their way into her head, but she continued to ignore him and read. Harry just sat there and stared. Just sitting, staring, sitting, staring and sitting and staring. She still ignored him. Then, out of the silence, a silent fart was heard as she looked up to see Harry slowly lean to one side and finally sit all the way down.

"Alright already you freak! My name is Hermoine Granger!" she stuck out her hand.

Harry smiled and shook her hand. "I'm Harry Potter."

"Whoopty damn doo! I don't care! You suck!" She goes back to her book.

"What you reading?" Ron sniffles up some snot.

"If you must know, I'm reading, 'Advance Magic 7: How to Kill things just by Blinking.'" She sticks her tongue out at Ron and goes back to her book. Ron licks his lips and then leans towards Harry.

"I know she wants me." He smiles and Harry takes notice of the spider that crawls out of Ron's mouth.

"Eegads man! Haven't you heard of a tooth brush?"

Ron quickly grabs Harry by the collar. "What is this brush of tooth you speak of, you white devil?" He begins to shake Harry violently.

Hermoine looks up. "Don't mind him Harry. He's too poor. Doesn't understand us rich folk."

"Oh ok." Harry looks at Ron, who seemed to have noticed a fly in the room and was trying to catch it. Harry then sees Ron digging inside of one of Harry's bags. "Hey, get your narsty arse away from that!" Harry pulls Ron's head out of the bags and sees that Ron has a colorful box in his mouth. "Give that back!"

"It's a chocolate frog! Can I have it?" Ron wipes the drool off of his face.

"Hell no bi'atch!" Harry back hands Ron. "It's mine!" Harry opens the box to find a frog shaped chocolate candy bar. As Harry is about to pick it up, the frog stands up and jumps at the window. It then begins climbing up the window and hops out. Ron leaps at the window.

"NOOooo! FOOODDD!!" Harry holds onto Ron as he dangles out of the trains window.

"No you fool! You could die!" Harry holds on tightly to Ron. As Ron's shirt brushes up against Harry's nose, Harry receives his first whiff of a Wesley. In an instant, he let's go of Ron and Ron flies out the window.

Hermoine raises an eye brow. "Why you let go?"

Harry wipes off the vomit from his mouth. "That boy reeks of arse mixed with tar and urine!"

Then all of a sudden, their cabin's door is opened. In came a white haired boy with two of his friends. A tall goofy looking sonavabitch and a fat bastard.

"So, this is the famous Harry Potter I've heard so much of." The white hair boy said.

Harry looked at the white hair boy and let out a shriek. "Eeep! It's one of those freaking alien kids from 'Encounter of the Third Kind!"

The white hair boy looks strangely at Harry. "No you idiot. I'm Draco Malfoy. One of the richest and most powerful inexperienced wizard in Hogwarts." The fat boy laughs.

"But isn't this your first year at Hogwarts?" Harry asks.

Draco, Crabbe ( the tall one) and Doyle (the fat one) all look at each other confused and lost.

Draco then looks at Harry. "Oh, you've just made a very powerful enemy today Potter." He then looks at Hermoine. "And you, you're a Mud-Blood! You shouldn't even be at this school!" Draco storms out. Then Crabbe follows. Then right before Doyle leaves, he raises both arms up in the air and yells, "O Doyle rules!" and runs out.

"Well, he was a nice boy wasn't he?" Harry smiles then looks at Hermoine who he notices is upset. "You okay?"

"No…"

"Oooo, I get it. It's that time of the month. I understand." Harry is about to walk out when Hermoine grabs him.

"No, that's not it. It's what he called me."

"A Mud-Blood?"

"Yeah…"

"What's so bad about that? It sounds like a cool code name. 'My name is Blood, Mud-Blood."

"Well, it's refers to the fact that both my parents are muggles…humans I mean. And any one born from muggle parents and have magical abilities are referred to as Mud-blood due to our tainted bloods." She looks at Harry who she then realizes is still going on about how cool the name Mud-Blood would be.

Chapter 5: Hogwarts: School of Magic stuff

"Oh wow! Look at the place! It's such a…dump." Harry's smile became a frown.

Hermoine walks by Harry and smacks him in the head. "That's an out house. Hogwarts is over there." Hermoine points above the out house at a magnificent castle.

Harry looks in awe. "Oh wow! Look at the place! It's such a…dump." Harry then spots some chariots. "Do we get to ride in those?"

Hagrid stands next to Harry. "of course not you dirt-e beggar. That's for all the years above second year. You and the other first and second years have to go to the castle by boat." Hagrid points to a very large, murky, black looking lake.

Ron crawls out from under the train. "That lake doesn't look very safe." As the group turns back to the lake, they see giant tentacles reach out of the water and grab a dragon out of the sky. Harry spots a razor toothed frog hoping into the water. Hermoine spots a skeleton on the shore.

Hagrid turns to the children. "No worries children, there's nothing to worry about."

"ARrrr, everyone get on board." A salty old coot growls at the children.

Hagrid starts throwing the kids onto the old coot's boat. "No worry children, everyone makes this voyage to the school every year and we haven't lost everyone yet." Hagrid waves as the old coot starts up the boat's propeller.

Ron is looking over the sides of the boat. "Blimey, that water looks nasty!"

The old coot spots Ron. "Arrr!" He grabs Ron back to the center of the boat. "Don't look in the water boy! That just tempts them to grab you."

"And who exactly are, them?" Hermoine asks with a hint of fear in her voice.

The old coot stares hard into the fog. "They be whatever children, people, goblins, trolls and a whole bunch of other folk fear. All your fears go into this lake."

Harry speaks up. "So what would happen if we look over?"

The old coot points to another boat, not to far away from theirs. Harry sees a kid peek over the side of the boat, then out of no where, a giant tentacle wraps around the child's neck and drags it under. Next thing he knew it, the captain of the other boat dives out into the water as another giant tentacle wraps around the boat and crushes it. Then all of a sudden, hundreds of other boats are grabbed and broken. Hundreds of kids are swimming for the shore while others are being dragged under to an unknown abyss. Harry is about to say something when he noticed the old coot isn't even on the boat. A giant tentacle slowly wraps itself around the boat and begins crushing it. Harry and Hermoine dive out of the boat while Ron hops onto the tentacle and begins biting it.

"Ron! Get off of that damn thing and swim for shore!" Hermoine screams.

"Go on with out me guys! I got this!" Ron said as the tentacle went under the water surface with Ron still holding on.

"RON!!" Hermoine screams and begins swimming towards the spot where Ron was but Harry grabs Hermoine and begins dragging her to shore.

Harry finally makes it to shore where he sees about forty other students tiredly climb up the shore. Other's are laying on their backs being thankful to be alive. Hermoine begins crying.

"Hermoine, please don't cry. I mean, we hardly knew that nasty kid." Harry puts an arm around Hermoine.

"I know…it's just that…he stole a pendant from me earlier and I wanted it back."

As Hermoine closed her eyes, her pendant smacks her in the face.

"OUCH….Ron?! You're alive!"

Ron walks up on the shore. He wipes off his mouth. "Man, that thing sure did taste good."

Harry looks at Ron in amazement. "You ate the whole damn thing?"

Ron looks at Harry like he's stupid. "Of course not…I sent some of the pieces back home so my family has something to eat." He smiles.

"Al'right everyone, time to get up."

Everyone turns around to see Hagrid.

"How did you make it here?" A child asks.

"Well, I took the dirt road path over here." Hagrid points to a trial behind him that all the children can see lead all the way to the train.

"Then why did you have us all get into the boat?" The boy asks again.

"Actually Mr. Longbottom, I didn't make anyone get on the boat. I threw you on it. That is all of yers fault for being so light." Hagrid smiles. "Al'right, everyone up. Let's get to the school." Hagrid begins walking towards the school while a couple of other students could barely stand up.

The children are lead into a big dinner hall where rows and rows of tables stood. Some of the tables were already filled with previous year students. Harry, Hermoine, and Ron were all scared. Then a tall old wizard stood up and walked up to the podium that stood at the front of the hall.

"Hello and welcome back to Hogwarts and to those of you who are new, I welcome you any how. I am the head professor of Hogwarts. My name is Professor Albus Dumbledore." The old wizard smiles. He then waves his hand to a table to his left. "This table is the teachers table. The wizard and witches sitting here will be your instructors for the years you attend Hogwarts. All except him." He points to a greasy looking pervert. "That's Filch, he's not a professor, a teacher, or a teacher's aide. He's the castle's care taker. And his pussy is useless." Everyone turns and stares at Dumbledore with a look of shock on their face while other students cover their ears and silently start crying. Dumbledore looks at everyone as if he didn't say anything wrong. "What? All I said was that his pussy, Mrs. Doris, is useless!" He points to the cat that was rubbing itself in between Filch's legs. Everyone lets out a loud, "OOOooooo." Dumbledore clears his voice. "Any ways…" he quickly points at Filch then turns his attention back to everyone. "As I was saying, all of you new students will be separated into one of the four houses. The four houses are made up of the four founders of this school. Gryffindor, Slytherin, Raven claw, and Hufflepuff. Each house represents an inner spirit. Gryffindor students are known to be brave heroes, vigilant, and also known to always win Quidditch matches. Slytherin students are known to be vile, nasty, mean, and those students always turn out to become villains. Raven claw students are known for being smart and…garbage pickers." Ron smiled at this. "And last but not least, Hufflepuff students are known for being…well…" He nods towards the Hufflepuff table and all the students sees what he was talking about. At the Hufflepuff table, the table is pink and so are Hufflepuff student's clothes. Not to mention that all the students of Hufflepuff all seemed to like something…unique.

Harry turns to a kid next to him. "So which house do you think you're going to?"

The boy thinks about it and then answers Harry in a flayboyant voice."I don't know which one I'm going to but I really like peni…"

"Nuts! I almost forgot to mention that Hufflepuff is full of flamers." Dumbledore announces. "Now, the way we sort each of you into one of the houses, we use the sorting hat." Dumbledore turns towards an elder female witch who was dressed in a green dress. She hands him, what appears to be a dirty old rag. Dumbledore then places it on the chair. Everyone in the room looks at the dirty old rag. Then all of a sudden, the gap in the rag opens up and the rag begins to speak in a poetic voice.

"Every year I awake to another year at this school.

Everyone knows me because I am cool.

I'm in charge of sending you to a house.

I'm also the one that spreads around the louse.

You all are trusting me with your futures.

Be it happy victorious ending or end up as food for the vultures.

I am the sorting hat of the great school of Hogwarts.

Place me on your head and I promise you won't get hurts.

Mess with the sorting hat,

I'll flippin kill you."

"That last verse didn't rhyme at all." Hermoine blurts out.

The sorting hat begins to freak out, yelling, "I'll kill you all!" and foam begins shooting out of the hat. It slowly calms down and it begins to speak normal again even though a little bit of foam slides down the side of its mouth.

"Bring me the first child!" The sorting hat is placed on top of a trembling little girl. "Hmmm…well this one be Hufflepuff? Slytherin?" The hat stops. "I know what!" Before the girl could let out a scream, the hat's brim grew razor sharp teeth and devoured the little girl. The hat burps. "Send me another victim!" All the children step back away from the hat. Ron decides to volunteer. The hat is placed on Ron's head. "Hmm…wait a tic…lice all over…red hair…smells like crap…IT'S A WESLEY!" The hat starts coughing and gagging. Vomit starts oozing its way down Ron's head. "BARRFffff! Get the hell away from me! Um…Gryffindor! Go there! Ack!" Everyone in the grand hall begins cheering. Harry is shoved up to the front and the hat is placed on top of Harry's head. The hat begins swaying back and forth, sick from being on top of Ron's head. "Um…uhh…I'm so out of it…" The hat groggily looks over at the line of kids. It then turns back to the audience. "um…the first eighteen kids in line go to Gryffindor, the next ten go to Slytherin, the next five…" the hat coughs up some vomit "Oh god I think I'm dying…the next five go to Raven claw and the little fruit cup in the back goes to Hufflepuff…" It begins vomiting again. "OH GOD…" The hat falls off of Harry's head, on to the vomit covered floor where it begins to vibrate.

Dumbledore stands on the hat. "You have all heard the great Sorting Hat. Now for all of you, follow your house's perfects. They will show you where you go. Have a good night everyone." Dumbledore smiles.

Harry taps Dumbledore on the back. "Excuse me sir, but what about food. We're all kind of hungry after the trip."

Dumbledore has a confused look on his face. He looks over at the witch in green. "Professor McGonagall, are we suppose to feed these things?" She nods. "Oh fine…" He looks at all of first years. "Ok, go sit at the tables that represent your house."

Harry, Hermoine, Ron, Neville, Dean, and thirteen other children walk to the Gryffindor table.

"Isn't this exciting guys?" Harry looks at all of them. He notices that they are all staring at him. "What?"

"There's still vomit on your hair." Hermoine points.

Ron walks over to Harry and licks his hair. "Hmmm…I hope we're having what the Hat had for dinner."

Everyone at the table are licking their lips, hoping that the food would magically appear right in front of them so that they may eat.

Ron starts hopping in his seat. "Where's the food? I'm hungry!"

The sixth year sitting next to Ron hands him a small biscuit.

Ron looks at the biscuit, then at the sixth year, then back to the biscuit. "What the hell is that?"

"That's the meal for tonight. You better quickly take a piece. This biscuit has to last all the way down to the end."

Ron foams at the mouth. "That's it?! ARRgggh!" Ron lunges for the biscuit and devours it whole. "Num num! I need more!" Ron starts sniffing around for crumbs and begins licking the ground. Everyone stands up and curses at Ron and they all begin to walk off to their dorms.

"Everyone please watch your step." The Perfect waits for all of the boys to stand on the stairs. "I am Winston, Gryffindor's Perfect for the boys. I'll be in charge of you lot." The giant stair case begins to move. "The stairs will be taking you to the Gryffindor study room, where all the beds are at." The stair case stops moving. "Alright, everyone follow me upstairs." As the boys follow Winston, they take notice of the moving paintings. Some paintings had some weirdoes waving at them. Harry waves back at one. Then one of the paintings beckon Ron to come closer. Ron begins to approach it when Winston pulls him back. "Please do not touch the paintings, especially that one. That guy in there is actually a child eater." Winston leads the boys to a larger painting and on it is a very fat lady. "'Ello fat lady."

The fat lady inserts a stick of butter into her mouth and sucks it up. "How are you all today?" She sticks her hand into a jar of mayonnaise, pulls out a huge glob of it and stuffs it all in her mouth. Some of the boys gag at this sight.

"The password is: Yo mama is so fat, that she makes you look skinny." Winston tells the fat lady.

"I'm sorry, that's not the right password." She picks up a live chicken, dips it in a frying pot, takes it out, eats it, then begins drinking the frying pot. Half of the boys begin throwing up.

"Then what is the password this time?"

The fat lady digs in her belly button and removes a hot dog and devours it. "The new password is: Yo mama is so fat, that she makes my mama look skinny." The fat lady's picture swings aside.

"Alright, everyone in." Winston steps through, with the sick boys following in after him. Many of the boys' jaws dropped at the sight of the study room.

"It's bloody amazing!" Harry looks around in awe.

"Winston, will I be getting my own bed?" Ron asks.

"Why of course. Only Hufflepuff boys have to share the same bed." Winston nods towards a flight of stairs.

Ron begins to weep. "I've always wanted my own bed…"

"Race you upstairs Ron!" Harry runs up the stairs.

"Oh no you don't!" Ron grabs Harry's leg causing him to fall face first onto the edge of the stairs causing Harry to knock out a tooth.

"Oh, by the way, you all have to be in here by ten o'clock." Winston adds.

"What will happen if we don't make it here?" Neville asks Winston.

"You'll be beaten to death by egg rolls."

"That doesn't sound to bad." Dean remarks.

"Frozen egg rolls!"

Everyone in the room gasps.

Winston continues. "Alright everyone, up to bed."

Upstairs in the room, five beds await the new people.

"I can't believe I have my own bed!" Ron hops onto his new bed.

"I can't believe it either!" Harry slides into bed.

"I can't believe I have to change in front of you guys!" Neville squirms out of his robes.

"I can't believe I have to watch you change in front of me!" Dean watches Neville intently.

"Well I'm going to bed now. Night guys." Ron throws his blanket over him.

"Ron, what do you think classes will be like?" Harry asks Ron.

"Well, if you don't leave me alone, you'll never find out." Ron turns his back to Harry.

"Well, good night guys." Harry closes his eyes.

Chapter 6: Defense against the Black Arts

"I am Professor Quirrel. For those of you who can't pronounce it may call me Professor Quiver for I am the biggest wuss you have ever seen." He sees Hermoine raise her hand. "Yes young lady?"

"Are you from the mid-east?"

"And why do you ask this?"

"Well, you're wearing a turban."

Quirrel looks up and remembers that he's wearing a turban. "Oh! This old thing, well I wear it because…um…I just got out of the shower and I want my hair to dry." The back of his head sneezes. "Bless you."

"What was that?" Harry says quickly.

"Your mom, any ways, in this class, you will learn how to use magic to defend yourself from evil people like Were wolves, Vampires, and puppies."

"But puppies are cute! Their all fluffy and pudgy and cute!" Hermoine says.

"Oh, their cute now, just wait until they learn what neuter means." Quirrel has a flash back to when he had to take his puppy to the vet and neuter was mentioned out loud. His puppy became enraged and began spewing out acid that burned out the back of Quirrel's head. He quickly shakes his head and comes back to reality. "Any ways, we will be learning on how to use our wands. I would like you all to take out your wand." Everyone pulls their wands out. "Very good, that will conclude today's lecture. I'll see you all here tomorrow." Everyone stands up, confused, and walk out.

Chapter 7: Transformation Class

"You know Harry, if I can capture that cat, you and I will have a meal for later tonight." Ron licks his lips.

"I would normally disagree with you, but I am hungry." Harry's stomach growls.

"There will be no eating in this class." The cat says to Ron.

"Blimey! It talked!"

the cat leaps off of the stool and transforms into the green dressed witch.

"Welcome class to transforming class. I am professor McGonagall. I will be teaching you all on how to turn items and even yourself into objects."

"So, you're saying, I could turn myself into a deadly gas devouring sock puppet of extreme doomness?" Harry finishes off with a smile so wide, that even the Grinch grows jealous of.

Professor McGonagall stares at Harry. "What…the hell, are you talking about child?"

"I love magic."

Chapter 8: Potions

As everyone is seated, a dark greasy man strolls in. He stands at the front and looks at all of the students.

"I am professor Serverous Snape. But you all will call me professor Snape. I have a couple of rules that you all must follow and if you don't, I will have to drop some bows on you."

Harry raises his hand. "Sir, what are 'bows?"  
"Elbows son! I'll drop bows on you, elbows!" He slaps his elbow. "Any ways, the rules are simple. Rule one: No talking. Rule two: No yelling. Rule three: No learning. Rule four: Follow rule four."

Ron raises his hand. "What is rule four?"

Snape looks at Harry then leaps into the air and plants an elbow on Ron's forehead.

"What was that for?!" Harry yells outloud.

Snape stands up and brushes himself off. He then leaps up into the air and plants a double elbow on Harry's face.

"I did that because you both broke the rules. Keep that in mind others. Oh and by the way Harry, I hate you for reasons unknown." Snape lights up a cigarette, takes a puff of it, and presses the lit cigarette against Harry's forehead.

Chapter 9: Flying like a turtle

"I will be your instructor in teaching you all how to fly on a broom."

"But ma'am, these aren't brooms. Their sticks with pony heads on the end of it." Harry says to the instructor.

"Well, did you pay for your brooms?"

"No."

"Then shut the hell up. Now place your hand over your broom and chant, 'Up."

All the children chant up. Some of them got their brooms to wiggle a bit but only Harry was able to get it to come to his hand.

The instructor looks at Neville. "How would you like to be the first one to fly?"

"Me ma'am? I'm not sure if I want…" The instructor puts the broom between Neville's legs and the broom lifts up, crushing Neville's junk and lifts up in the air. Neville is to injured and ends up sliding off of the broom and landing on his arm, breaking it in 8 places.

"Well, that sucked. Children wait here, I need to take loser boy here to the nurse."

After she leaves, Draco turns to Harry.

"I bet you can't fly."

Harry looks at Draco. "I bet you that I can't!"

"What's a matter Potter? Chicken?"

"No, worst. Turkey!"

"Oh, if you're such a bad arse, then why don't you fly?"

"I told you that I'm a lame arse and can't fly!"

"Oh, so you think you're better then me huh?" Draco hops on his broom and flys into the air. "Watch out Potter, I'm catching up with you!"

"I'm not even up there!"

"Potter?! What are you doing? AAAIIIEEEEeeee!" Draco falls off of the broom and lands on a mysteriously placed pillow stack. "My spine! It's broken!"

The instructor returns. "What happened here?"

"It was Potter ma'am…"Draco passes out from all of the pain.

"Is this true Potter?"

Ron steps up. "It's true ma'am. Harry flew on his broom into the air and Draco began chasing him but Harry stuck up his arm and knocked Draco off of his broom."

"Ron! What the hell are you saying?" Harry throws down his broom.

"EEp! He's blood thirsty! He wants to throw me off of my broom too!" Ron cringes.

"That's it Mr. Potter, you'll be coming with me." The instructor drags Harry off by his ear.

Chapter 10: Care for magically stupid animals

"'Ello everyone. Me name is Hagrid and I am Hogwarts animal care taker. It is my job to feed, bathe, and slaughter the animals."

"What do you do with the animals that you slaughter?" Hermoine asks.

"After I slaughter the animal, we cook it up and serve it up for you kids to eat. Where'd you think that biscuit came from? A bakery? Ha!" Hagrid points a field behind him and in the field was hundreds of bouncing blue biscuits, squeaking everytime they jumped. Hagrid walks over to one and clubs it over the head with his shoe. The biscuit stops bouncing and Hagrid picks it up and throws it into an open fire. After five minutes, Hagrid pulls out the biscuit which is now yellow and pulls it apart and eats it. "I'm sure you will all have a fun time in my class. Now for your first lesson, you will watch me slaughter a family of ducks." Hagrid pulls off his shoe and walks towards the ducks.

Chapter 11: Dinner time

"I still can't believe I had to help that horrible giant of a man slaughter a family of ducks!" Hermoine looks at her blood stained hands.

"Look at the bright side Hermoine, we only had to kill over four hundred of them."Ron says with a smile.

"And, we also have something to eat for dinner." Harry stabs his fork down on a little duckling nugget.

"Eck! There's still blood on my hands! Why won't they get clean?!" She runs off to the bathrooms.

"I'll take it that she doesn't want her duck." Ron stabs his fork down on the head of a big duck and drags it to his plate. Ron places the large duck between two tiny pieces of crackers and makes a Duck sandwich. Ron is about to take a bite out of it until he was interrupted. Actually everyone in the grand hall was interrupted by a loud voice.

"TROLL!" the voice yelled out. Dumbledore looked towards the grand hall's door. Professor Quirell bursts through.

"TROLL IN THE MAIN HALL!" He passes out onto the urine soaked floor.

"Ron, isn't the girl's bathroom in the main hall?"

"And isn't the guys bathroom right over there near the Hufflepuff table?"

They both look at each other and then say at the same time, "Hermoine!"

Hermoine is alone on the toilet. She hears a noise.

"Hello? Is anyone there?" There is no answer. "Are you sure no one is there?" Still no answer. "Good." Outside of the stall, you can see her feet slowly rise up and the loudest, wettest, and smelliest female fart you have ever seen can be heard from her stall. After the final "toot" she giggles. She looks over at the toilet paper and estimates how much she has left. "Hmm…I have enough for three wipes, but this feels like a five wipe job. I'll probably do the three and wait until after dinner to finish off the wiping." As she reaches for the toilet paper, a big gray hand comes out from under the wall where the toilet paper hung. The hand began reaching for something and before Hermoine could realize what it was reaching for, the giant hand finds the toilet paper and pulls it all off. "NOOOOOoooooo! Give that back you bitch!" As she bangs against the wall, the stall begins to rattle. Hermoine, frightened, pulls up her pants and crawls to the other stall at the end. One by one, the walls fall down. After the walls of the stall she was hiding in fell down, Hermoine saw it was a giant troll. Hermoine was about to scream when instead she farted again. "Oooo…that's going to leave a stain." Harry and Ron both barge in.

"Hermoine! There is a troll on the loose and it might be near you!" Harry shouts to Hermoine.

"NO?! Really?! I didn't notice!" Hermoine hollers over at Harry as the Troll picks her up by her feet. The troll turns her around and takes a whiff of her arse. As the Troll takes a deep whiff, it quickly gags and drops Hermoine. As the Troll pulls its hands up to cover it's face, it accidentally whacks itself in the head with its club. The Troll instantly falls to the ground, unconscious. Dumbledore and Snape burst in with their wands pointed.

Dumbledore looks at the knocked out Troll, the children surrounding it, and Snape. Dumbledore turns to Snape. "Good job on knocking out that troll, Snape. These children owe you their lives."

"It wasn't a problem sir. So does this mean that I can teach Defense Against the Dark Arts?"

Dumbledore laughs. "Of course not. You're still to dark and creepy and weird to teach it." Dumbledore then turns to the children. "Everyone to the grand hall, we're gonna have a meeting.

In the grand hall, Dumbledore is standing at the podium.

"Because of the troll attack, the curfew will now be at eight oclock." Loud awes are heard. "Hey! Shut those up! This is for your safety. Any one caught out past curfew will be beaten severely with frozen egg rolls. If you don't believe me, you can ask Mr. Johnny over there." Dumbledore points over at the Raven Claw table where a boy stood up. Every gasped as they looked at his horribly beaten face. Dumbledore quickly looks at his watch. "Since it's 7:58 as of now, you all of two minutes to get to your room." Kids started looking at each other then all of a sudden everyone stood up and ran for the doors. The grand hall started pouring out kids trying to escape. As soon as Harry, Hermoine, and Ron made out, they shut the grand hall's doors on everyone else and placed a frozen egg roll through the door handles so that no one else could escape. As the three walked to their Gryffindor rooms, they could hear the hard impact of frozen flour on the skin and screams of pain and help.

Chapter 12: Quidditch

"I wanna play! I wanna play!" Harry was hopping up and down.

"You have to try out first." The Quidditch team captain, Oliver, said to Harry.

"I wanna try out first! I wanna try out first!" Harry was still hopping up and down.

"What do you want to try out for? Bludger?"

"YeahYeahYeahYeahYeahYeah!"

He hands Harry a club.

"Now hit that ball."

Harry turns to a ball that was flying right at him and took it to the face.

"Owowowoowowowow! I change my mind, I want to be the seeker!"

"Oh the seeker huh?" He pulls out a golden ball that sprouts wings. "Then catch this." He throws the snitch up in the air and as soon as the snitch begins to move, Harry catches it. "How the bloody hell did you do that?"

"you told me too!"

"Well, it looks like we have the new Gryffindor Quidditch Seeker!" Oliver walks off, still amazed by Harry's "mad ninja skillz."

As Harry walks off the field he notices the Track team practicing some track stuff. Shot putting, running, hurdle jumping, and javalin throwing. Then Harry notices a cloak figure aiming a spear at him. The cloak figure launches the spear like object at Harry. Harry, being dumb like most people who watch things fly at them, stood there and watch the object fly at him. The object makes contact and Harry bellows down in pain. He thinks he might be dieing! Harry looks at the object to realize that it's a fancy mop with his name on it. There is also a ticket around it saying, "From a dear friend."

Chapter 13: Quidditch Match.

"The first Quidditch match of the year begins with Gryffindor versus Slytherin. How do you think this match will turn out." The girl asks the man sitting next to her.

"Well this looks like a good Quidditch match. There is nothing better then a Quidditch match then a good Quidditch Match. Hey folks, this is John Madden and you're all watching QLA, The Quidditch League Association!"

The referee walks to the center field and on either side of him Harry and Draco are standing there. "you two know the rules. No magic use and no playing rough. This is a peaceful game." Harry looks out to the ground to see them all decked out in war paint, holding up signs that read, "Make him bleed!" "You two ready?" Harry and Draco nod. The ref throws the snitch into the air and the game begins. As Harry flies after the ball, he begins to lose control of his broom. Hermoine seeing all of this notices that Snape, whose lap she was sitting on, was chanting something. So Hermoine jumped off and took out some matches and placed them under Snape's foot. She then lit them all and as the fire burned through the match, Snape's dress caught on fire causing the curse to stop working. Harry had control of his broom again and went after the snitch. As he reached out for the snitch, he fell off and tumbled to the ground. No one knew where the snitch with.

"Wait a minute folks, I think Harry has the snitch in his mouth!" John Madden points out the bulge in Harry's left cheek. Then they see the bulge travel to Harry throat and travel down to his stomach. Harry bellows in pain as he grabs his stomach. Then they see the snitch burst out of his stomach in a bloody golden glory. Gryffindor had won the match. Everyone ran out of their seats and lifted up the snitch above their heads and carried it back to the grand hall while Harry laid on the gross, bleeding.

Chapter 13: It's Christmas time, again.

Harry and Ron both quickly wake up with a giant grin on both of their faces.

"Do you know what today is?" Harry asks Ron.

"Boxing Day?" Ron smiles.

"No you foolish mortal, it's Christmas!" Harry quickly jumps up and starts dressing. Ron starts jumping up and down like a hyperactive child. "I'll race you down there Ron! Ready, set, go!" Harry begins to run but Ron slaps Harry back down and heads downstairs. "That wasn't fair!" Harry cries after Ron. Then Neville runs by and slaps Harry down too. "Why is everyone doing this to me?!" Then all of a sudden Malfoy slaps Harry down. Harry begins to cry this time. Eventually, Harry makes it downstairs to find Ron swimming through a lot of presents. Harry, surprised that such a poor child, and when he says poor, he really means, poor. "Ron, how do you have so many presents?" Harry still can't believe how many he sees.

"Easy. I have parents, unlike you. Not to mention, my parents use all of their money to buy us presents, rather then buy us food or fix up the house." Ron says with a smile on his face as he hops back into his "present pool."

"Well…do I have any presents?" Harry tries to look for some with his name on it.

"Um…I think so mate. But I might of have opened it thinking it was mine because I was thinking to myself, 'how could Harry get any presents when he has no parents or any other living relative. Not like Santa is going to give him a gift. Everyone knows Santa died a while ago flying over Iraq and got shot down by an RPG.' So I think this one might be yours." He hands Harry a rag.

"A rag…is it a magical rag?" Harry looks the rag over.

"You know, it could be an invisibility rag…" Ron sneakingly smiles over at Dean and Neville.

"Really?! That's so cool!" Harry throws the rag over his head. "Can you guys see me?"

"Who said that?" Dean says pretending not to see Harry.

"What are you talking about, Dean?" Neville says towards Dean.

"I think we have a ghost in here!" Dean pretends to be scared.

"Yeah, whatever." Neville turns back around and tries on his straight jacket that he got from his parents.

"Sweet! I am invisible!" Harry starts flapping his arms around like they are wings and starts making howling ghost noises. "I'm going to go scare Malfoy! WWhwhhooohohohoh!" Harry flaps away.

"What a moron!" Ron starts laughing.

"Totally bonkers!" Dean high fives Ron.

"Who the hell are you two talking about?!" Neville says as he struggles to escape the straight jacket.

Chapter 14: The Magic looking Glass

Later that night in the Slytherin Boy's room.

"I've come for your soul! WWWWHhhhhhooooooo!" Harry rises from the side of Draco's bed, with the stupid towel on his head, barely covering his forehead, begins to shake his arms as if shaking a chain. Draco just turns in his bed, still asleep. "I am the ghost of Christmas last month! I've came to punish you for making fun of the awesome and powerful Harry Potter!" Draco just begins to snore. "For your insolence, feel the wrath of the Ghost of Christmas Last Month!" Harry quickly beings to wiggle his fingers in front of Draco. Draco quickly scratches his nose and continues to sleep. "Tricky one aren't you?" Harry stands up onto Draco's bed. Harry's feet on either side of Draco. "Feel the thunderous power of the Ghost of Christmas Last Month!" Harry begins to jump up and down. In doing so, Draco's body lifts up and makes contact with Harry's…um…wizard stones, and Harry slowly falls down in pain. Crab awakes from the noise to see a stupid looking boy, with a towel over his head, humping away on Draco, howling. Crab, not to sure if he should say anything or not, quietly turns around and tries to fall back asleep. Harry rolls off of the bed. "You may have won this round young man, but the Ghost of Christmas Last Month shall return! This time, with a chainsaw. As Harry is about to leave, he quickly runs up to Draco's ear and makes a noise like he's reving up a chainsaw. "NNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnrrrrRRRrrrrrr!" Draco quickly wakes up and screams as Harry frolics out the door.

"My god, that was so much fun!" Harry dances around the hall ways, still believing he's invisible. He walks up to Mrs. Norris. "And how are you Mrs. Norris? What's that? You can't see me? Good, then you can't see me do this!" Harry reaches behind Mrs. Norris and gives her a wedgies. The cat screams and quickly runs off. Flich quickly comes around the corner.

"Who the hell is messing with my pussy?" Harry begins to giggle. "I see you, you little piece of apple crap!"

"Do your worst mortal! For I am the Ghost of Christmas Last Month and no mortal shall injure me!" Harry stands in the middle of the hall with his arms folded infront of him.

"We'll see about that!" Filch reaches around the corner and pulls out a giant axe-pick.

"Eeep!" Harry quickly waddles away and runs into the closes room he could find. On the door it said, "Stolen Disney Artifact." Harry quietly shuts the door behind him. He takes a couple of breaths and turns around to examine the room he was in. In the middle of the room stood a giant object with a blanket draped over it. Harry walks over to the object and examines the huge object. Harry grabs the blanket and attempts to pull it off but the blanket catches on something. Harry tugs harder and the object begins to sway. Harry pulls even harder and ends up pulling the object down with the blanket. The object shatters to a zillion pieces. Harry looks at the wreckage. "Muwhahahahaha! The Ghost strikes again!" Harry puts his arms out like an air plane, makes a humming bird noise, and begins to "fly" around the room. That's when he comes up to a smelly old mirror on the wall. "What be this I ponder." Harry stares at it.

"I'm a magic mirror of wonder!" The mirror replies.

"Holy bloody hell, a talking mirror!" Harry quickly takes his shoe off, ready to smash the demon mirror back to hell.

"Wait little one, or else you'll destroy all of the fun!" The mirror quickly says.

"It rhymes too!" Harry is about to strike the mirror again.

"Bloody hell boy, just listen. I can reveal what your heart desires the most in life!"

"Really? How so?" Harry lowers his shoe.

"Just look deep into the glass and the image will be revealed to you.

Harry looks deep into the glass. The Magic Mirror notices that Harry is smiling. "What do you see, boy?"

"I see me, with my shoe, smashing you to a thousand pieces."

Harry returns to the Gryffindor Boy's room and wakes up Ron. "WWwwooooooo! I am the Ghost of Christmas Last Month! Feel the wrath of the Ghost's sting!" All of a sudden, Harry begins to wail on Ron with open hands. Slapping and scratching Ron. At the same time, Harry is screaming like a little girl as he does this. Ron quickly punches Harry in the throat.

"What the hell is your problem, mate?" Ron touches a sore mark on his cheek.

"How did you see my neck?" Harry coughs.

"Because you idiot, you're not really invisible!" Ron yells at Harry who is on the ground.

"Wot?" Harry looks sad. Ron realizes that he could ruin the greatest prank in the world.

"You're not really invisible because the towel fell off when I punched you in the throat. That's why you're not really invisible!" Ron says quickly.

"Oh, that makes sense…I think. But come Ron! I have something amazing to show you!" Harry grabs Ron's hand and they both run out of the room

"By god, that is amazing!" Ron stares in astonishment.

"I know, it's amazing isn't it? Now, to return your nose back on your face!" Harry pretends to place Ron's nose back on his face.

"Brilliant Harry, scary, but brilliant!" Ron touches his nose, amazed that it's back.

"But that wasn't the amazing thing I wanted to show you. It's this." Harry points over to the smelly mirror.

The glass begins to glow and the mirror begins to speak. "So, you brought me another victim? Look upon me boy to see what your heart desires."

Ron stares deep into the glass.

"What do you see Ron?" Harry asks.

"I see me, with the Quidditch cup! And everyone is cheering all around me!" Ron is lost in his winning gaze.

"That's it?" Harry looks confused.

"Then I see me taking the Quidditch cup and smashing it into this demon mirror!" Ron makes a swinging motion towards the glass.

"Damn, what is wrong with you children these days?!" The glass screams in worry.

Chapter 15: What have I told you about the woods?

"Ron!" Harry yells at Ron as he begins to shake Ron awake, who was soundly asleep in his bed. "I'm hungry!"

Ron groggily sits up and looks at Harry. "Huh? Oh yeah, I have something for you." Ron begins to dig in his pockets. "Here you go Harry." Ron hands Harry Ron's open hand with a rag sitting on top of it.

"What is it Ron? A burger?" Harry licks his lips.

"I don't know Harry, why don't you look?" Harry pulls off the rag and sees that there is nothing but Ron's empty open hand. Then quickly, Ron slaps Harry across the face. Harry falls to the ground rubbing his cheek. "Don't you ever wake me up this late, ever again!" Ron falls back to sleep and before he knows it, there is a loud knocking at the dorm room's door. "This better be good." Ron rolls up his sleeves, puts on his crazy bunny slippers, and walks downstairs to the door. Ron opens it to see Hagrid standing at the door.

"Sorry to wake ye, child'ren. I be in need fer your help." Hagrid looks to see if Harry is near by. "I managed to get Hermoine to come too." He moves to the side and shows Hermoine, wiping drool off of her face."

"Hagrid!" Ron yells. "Do you have any idea what time it is?" Ron begins pointing at his watch.

"Er…I can't read it mate…it's analog."

"I can't read it either Ron, and I'm smarter then all of you combined." Hermoine yawns.

"Oh, would you like a digital to read?" Ron looks at the giant. The giant nods back. "Here, let me fetch it mate." He digs in his pocket and pulls out his hand with a rag ontop of it.

"Is it a burger, Ron?" Hagrid licks his lips.

"I don't know Hagrid, why don't you look?" Hagrid pulls off the rag and sees that thereis nothing but Ron's empty open hand.

"I don't get it?" Hagrid looks confused.

"Come closer and I'll whisper you the time." Ron beckons Hagrid closer with his finger. Hagrid leans it. "Why it's slap o clock."

"Wha?" Before Hagrid could react, Ron slaps Hagrid to hell and back. As Ron's hand made contact with Hagrid, Hagrid is sent back through a poof of smoke. Then a split second later, Hagrid reappears in a poof of smoke and smells like burnt beaver hair and rotten eggs. Hagrid stood there, shaking, with fear in his eyes. His clothes and hair singed.

"Hagrid! What brings you here this late?" Harry comes down the stairs.

"I…I…I…" Hagrid is too scared to speak. He then makes eye contact with Ron and notices that Ron is placing the rag back on his hand and Hagrid quickly looks back at Harry. "I need you 3's help. Someone has been killing Unicorns again."

"Why would someone do that?" Harry strokes his hairless chin.

"Well the first time, I did it because they simple tasted again. I mean, have you ever tried unicorn glue?" Hagrid nudges Harry. Harry goes back into a flash back of when he found a glass of Unicorn glue and started eating it with everything that he could fine.

"You two do know that Unicorn glue isn't made from Unicorns. I mean, it is, but not from their meat or blood, it's made from their…"

"Toothpaste! You know, the big tube that when you stroke it, it shoots out paste! Do any of you buffoons have toothpaste?" Draco comes walking down the hall with a toothbrush in hand. "Wait, what's going on in here?" Draco pulls out his cellphone. "I'm ready to tattle tell!" Ron quickly walks up to Draco and puts out his hand with the rag on it. Hagrid and Harry both cringe at the rag. "What's the meaning of this, smeasly?!"

"I don't know, why don't you take a look Draco?" Ron looks back at Hagrid and Harry and smiles.

Draco quickly lifts up the rag to find a tube of tooth paste. "Oh…thanks."

Ron smiles back at Draco. "Here, let me help you with the paste." Ron uncorks it and squeezes some paste onto Draco's tooth brush. "Enjoy."

Draco looks at them strangely and walks off.

"How come you didn't slap him, Ron?" Harry rubs his cheek.

"Why would I do that? He asked a reasonable question. Now let's go to the woods."

Hagrid, Ron, Hermoine, Harry, and Hagrid's bull-mastiff, Fang, are walking through the dark forbidden woods that no one should be going through but hey, what kind of story would this be if the idolizing hero, who is supposed to represent good, is breaking laws made by other good people. For some reason, Hagrid is armed with a light machine gun, while the children are armed only with a stick with a marshmallow on the tip. Even Fang was screwed in the weapons deal and has marshmallows stuck on each of his teeth and claws.

"Ah crap, look-e deer keeds. A dead unicorn." Hagrid points over younder where lied a silver unicorn, blood coming down it's neck. Hagrid walks over with the children following. "Poor creature." Hagrid is about to put his hand on the unicorn when all of a sudden the unicorn makes a slight "neigh."

"It's still alive Hagrid!" Hermoine smiles. "Finally, I get to have what every little boy and girl wanted as a child!"

"A unicorn pony?" Harry looks in confusion.  
"No silly, a unicorn horn!" Hermoine hops onto the unicorn and begins to saw at the horn with her marshmallow stick. The unicorn begins to move because of all of the pain. "Hagrid, make sure this thing never sees the light of day again!"

"Right boss." Hagrid salutes and quickly snaps the unicorns head.

After 40 minutes of sawing, and tugging, Hermoine eventually just snapped it off. She quickly takes the blood horn and pushes it onto her forehead.

"Look everyone! I'm a beautiful unicorn now! WEeeee!" She begins to prance around with the horn still on her forehead as the blood drips down her face. Everyone else is clapping and cheering her on. Amongst the clapping, cheering, barking, and prancing, Harry hears a voice calling his name. Harry, being a curious white boy, decides to go find out who is calling him. So Harry quietly walks away from the group. After a while, Harry realizes that he is far away from the group and finds himself in a clearing. Far off in the distance, he freezes in fear. He sees off in the near by tree a dark hooded figure, and what appeared to be a dead unicorn. Harry sees the figure feasting on the unicorn's neck. Harry steps on a ideally located branch that just so happened to be the loudest branch in the whole damn forest. The figure quickly looks up. Then the unicorn looks up.

"Oh my god, we've been discovered!" The unicorn stands up quickly and runs off into the woods with hickies all over it's neck.

"Until next time my dear." The figure says after the unicorn. "You! You ruined my chance of prolonging my life!" The figure quickly buttons up his pants and quickly flies towards Harry.

To Be Continued...


End file.
